I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.…

One day, a long, long time ago....... there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch. But this was a long time ago....... and it was just that one day. The End

A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady…

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you? 5.…

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term: Political Correctness. "Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical,…

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find…

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any…

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be…

Jon: "I'm calling because I read your ad for someone to retail canaries." Store owner: "And you want the job?" Jon: "No, I'd just like to know how the canaries lost their tails."

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose…

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between the two of us, something smells! Did you hear about the bacon and eggs that went to a bar? They ordered a beer and the bartender said, "I'm sorry.…

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a…